I watched another person die tonight.

I don't think it coincidence. i have watched many random and close friends die right in front of me. Sometimes they just have enough trauma that I know they cant survive and sometimes they actually stop breathing...
It is always so...vacant.
I cry, but i dont empathize. I have this sense that all is right in the world and I release and pray.
I don't, or haven't yet, watched anyone die that I mourned. or at least I cant recall them right now. I say that not out of callouse but out of sheer volume of experience. I have seen random folks walk out of motor homes right in front of me when I was 8 at over 60 miles per hour on the freeway...and then watch them get hit by cars over and over again...with a bottle of alcohol in their hands...I have seen random folks crash on bicycles and hit their faces on trucks so hard that they dent the beds with their faces, while I was high on LSD and sat there talking to them, comforting them until the cops showed up.
I have seen people hit barriers at 80 plus mph and try to get out and walk. I have seen friends die from gunshot wounds inflicted over a boom box on a public bike path...and tonight I watched a guy lying on the road after choosing to get out of a moving vehicle, get hit by another car, breath his last breaths through blood and asphalt as his girlfriend looked on and cried about how he would make it through this and about how she was so sorry...It is never fake looking.
It is never lost on me, the loss of life.
I never fail to cry for them at any given moment. But it never impacts me the way I think death will...
I am always so subdued. So quiet about it.
It is truly final. It is real, unquestionable. I know I am there to witness it for a reason. I know I am there to comfort them for a purpose. I know it will happen to me one day, and to my wife...and to my children...and to every one I love. It is very sobering...but it doesnt immediately affect my life choices.
It takes a while to impact me. But it never leaves me. I may forget it...for a long while even... but it never leaves me completely. It changes me. to the core.
as it should.

Love

Who would you become? If you woke up and the last days of civilization were behind you?
Mankind has a hard time being ok with the thought of things ending. We don't prepare for the end or that it may come like a thief in the night. We have a hard time sating things like they may be the last time we say them, even to the people we love the most.
We use phrases like "you should know I love you." or "if I need to say it, then you don't know me at all." or "of course I love you, why do you need to hear it every day?"
I think of how I have become less and less sensitive to my end or anyones end in this life, this time. I want that sensitivity. I need it. It is my experience.
I feel dead without it. heartless.
I am grateful for my clothes, my water...clean, drinkable water. I am grateful for my tea's, my fruits, my yogurts...such excess I have. I can barely stand to write about it.
I am so grateful that I can provide for my family, my community, for those around me that have less. That need more. I want to do more.
I know who I am.
I know who i would be if this civilization ended tonight. I know
I am grateful for that.
God has saved me from all that I have been. All that I could be.
He has made me new.
I love you.
Please hear His voice. Please know His love.
If I could give you all I had, to show that it's not anything. It's yours.
So that you may know Him.
All that is
All that matters
All that is Good.
Good Night.
May we meet again. May we share in life at least one more time.
You are special.
Love, love, love.

Same old Story

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What to say when words mean less. and less, these days. Amaze. To get caught up in, swept away. If I can convince you it's true that validates me. Valid dates equal history. His and hers (story). The back of cars. Steam. Sex candidly and embarrassed. No room and no room in the car. Ashamed but aroused. get over it. Get it over with. Not much prolonged car sex, needless to say. New thoughts carelessly caressing my cerebral cortex. You can relate it all back to anything. Everything has to do with sex. Except the original. All stories deal with procreation but not with creation by the Pro. Gods story is unique of course. he creates without sex. Our "creating" is based upon sensual intercourse. How do we avoid this? Why do we avoid this? Simple perversion. If it was clear to exhibit sexual passion uninhibited, with anyone, anytime we would have no wrong in it. The fact that we do, proves there is another way...repress and focus. Exclusive monogamous expression with focus and repetition. Re-petition your position. Positions open, apply within. Aroused attention. Japanese election. Focused selection brings monogamous protection. Saturated penetration.

Character

I reckon most things in life can't be taught. They're simple, and if you understand them, it doesn't seem to make life any easier. You don't really have to practice what you know to be true, but you do have to do it. Embracing who you are is becoming what you believe. You just have to do it to be it. Can you escape it? Maybe, but you have to choose to. You have to want to. Be willing. Beyond obedience; spiritual maturity is- no conscious thought, only belief in essence acting out it's purpose through you.

is freedom Really being free?

Nostaligic for a life unknown
remembering what could have been.
Knowing that there is always a choice
doesn't mean I really have one.
Character removes a lot of life.
Sometimes I must struggle against myself
to remain vital, alive, changing.
If my character keeps me from tragic decisions and the situations
that come with them, and struggle is where I grow the most...
God must bring me conflict. He must allow for tragedy to occur
so that I can grow. How can i continue to grow otherwise?
i can choose life. Can i choose otherwise? the tension is to try life, to experience; but to not offend God and still engage in mortality.

Virtual Realism

I'm lonely, so I clone me
in everyone I see.
If they differ
I get stiffer
and they cease to be.
My favorite quality is me
I create my own reality
as it suits me
Pretend

Word smithery

apathy is after me

complacence tries my patience

Integrity is integral to me