Attempts at daily journaling

Dexter-the tv show, reminds me that we are all human. Dark, sinful, capable of love. At the end of season two Dexter asks the attentive audience "Am I good? Am I evil? Who knows?" and it reminds me that it is a daily choice to be who I am.
I can spend an entire life living sacrificially and living a love filled life and end it all one day with a really bad decision. I can live a full, self serving, decadent, destructive life and come to repentance in the end and accept forgivness and know peace and joy in my final days...and neither will eternally change my chance of spending eternity with my King. Neither life will give me a different end result...So I live in a tension. A tension to try to be good, I try to be who I "ought" to be and do what I "ought" to do. Sometimes I blow it incredibly and sometimes in just instances I can alter the course of my life as I know it forever for the worse, creating regret and reflection and angst that seems like it will never leave me. And then other times, I am brilliant and perfect and nothing can go wrong and every decision I make seems to work out for everybody and everything and nothing I do can go wrong. The highs and lows of this life can be so far apart that I can not even see them from either vantage point yet somehow I can transport myself between them in a blink of an eye. In a single decision. A single act of obedience.
And this is where I come to, over and over again...how in control of my life am I? really...
I can't even control myself. I can't control my fate. I can only submit to God and hope for the best. I try to be good. I try to be holy. But i know only He is Holy. Only God is good. So I strive. and i fail. sometimes miserably. sometimes triumphantly! Oh, it is such a life to live. Such an amazing, emotional rollercoaster of a life. I do not deserve to experience this amazing life.
Heath Sherratt has an amazing life. A life that if it were contained in a novel you would not believe it. If you saw it on a silver screen you would have to doubt it. I do. and I live it.
How can I pass up the joys of living for anything else? What will tomorrow bring?
I am excited to find out.

Unrelenting venting

I am not the messiah. I cannot save you, or anyone else for that matter. So why do I try? I'm progressing into a more mature, patient man through process and understanding but I carry others burdens so heavily. It's hard to let them go. i feel like they, at times are my worth. That the fact I can help another resolve their issues is what makes me important, needed. Which, when the tables are turned, and i can't help the crazy find peace, I feel like i failed them. Like it was up to me to fix them and now they are screwed for eternity cuz i couldn't fix them. Like that has any foothold in reality.
This has been a cycle in my life for years. Unhealthy, dangerous and extremely painful at times. I have found great comfort in this cycle knowing that I have helped hundreds of folks to realize that they are loved. That they have value beyond their own opinions of themselves. Beyond the opinions and voices of the broken families and friends that they have been surrounded by for years. That they have value and are loved. Not just by me, but by a great God that will love them more than they will ever need or know...Ironic, I know.
Here I am counseling folks about how to maintain healthy relationships, healthy boundaries and healthy perspectives and then, there's me, in that relationship, in that moment, putting myself out there in an unhealthy way, looking for unhealthy affirmation and needing them to be healed so I can go on believing I am.
You know what I am realizing though? That we are broken. That we always will be. We don't need to be fixed to help others, we need to be willing. We don't need to have the utmost skills to bring others to self realization, we need faith in the God that can and we need to keep putting it out there.
Thank God for people that refuse to stop learning and progressing. Thank God that even though we fail and fail and fail we can always offer someone else hope. Thank God that even in my weakest, darkest place, if i submit to Him and offer up my daily manna of wisdom and grace, I can be transparent enough to show others that He is sufficient. That He is enough. That I don't need to be perfect and neither do they. We can all be loved and lovable and accepted and wanted. At anytime. In any space.
Because He is good.

Mustache March

Official rules for Mustache March.
1. Contestants must shave on February 28th to bare skin.
2. Mustache judging on March 31st. Votes are anonymous and placed into a hat/box. You can vote for yourself.
3. No shaving is allowed but grooming is accepted
4.Wax, gel or pomade are ok.
5.All Mustaches must be on your face.
6. No fake hair or extensions
7. No bleaching or coloring, must be natural hair color.

elf.

Do you self your own known? do you know or yourself own self? do yourself a known. do you know yourself, your own self, your known self? Do you own your known self? Do you know your own self? do you, yourself, know your own? elf.

Really, it's that simple.

I reckon most things in life can't be taught.
They're simple, and if you can understand them, it doesn't seem to make life any easier. You don't really have to practice what you know to be true, but you do have to do it. Embracing who you are is becoming what you believe. You just have to do it to be it. Can you escape that? Maybe, but you have to choose to. you have to want to. Willing.
No conscious thought, only belief in essence, acting out it's purpose through you.

Daybreakers

Nocturnal elusive, commitment recluse
sustained stain-be clean
Eternal Sunshine, remitted passion
paid admission, daily retaliation
hating and praying, hating the pain
debts owed who's paying?
Rules changing or staying
play by the book or you're just
playing.
Seeing takes looking
looking takes eyes
eyes need light to see
and we're born at night. let
your eyes adjust
respond

more than words

she opens herself to receive him. taut and aware he enters. cooperation excites them as their relationship grows. friendship blossoms into more. fingers linger and press, friction becomes arousal and reduces friction. lives begin to mingle. like a boat on the sea she moves, undulating, to and fro, up and down. tongues move in and out. lips press hard against each other as breath rises and falls. faster, smoother, there is only one now. moving in rhythm. perfect and holy. trusting, giving, sharing as moans and voices share in the language best known to lovers. Their souls are entwined as their bodies. Hot,forgetful and wanting. Wanting to stay, reach, climb, embrace, be loved, touched, understood, known. nothing left to touch, bodies are reaching their goals together. pulsing, growing, blurring, sweating, no thought only movement. only talking, but no words aloud. building, faster, faster, faster. crescendo. love. tender, thoughtful, patient. Considerate and unabashed. In glory and unashamed. Glowing and satisfied they become individuals again. regaining composure. accepting their gifts and blessings they adore each other and privately think of their next time. The relationship is real. connected. forever. engaging.

Him

Too precious to share
the only thing worth giving
Paid to give it up
foolish loser.
I am amazed but unchanged
Your presence is not real.
So then, who are You?
What good? How?
Melodies in silence
louder than sound
lost in the quiet
when will we be together?
Pirate of eternity
you stole death
it was not yours
and You took it.
Convict.

Self

Burning. molding. silence
refrained patience attaining anger
sinful blaspheme. hater. liar
Father. singular. other than.
separate inert encompassing fire.
killer of doubt, transparent.
private. me.

Heaven is not eternal

Man was created within time. Angels were created outside of time. heaven, like angels was created outside of time, yet there is a point in time in which they began to exist. Is that a moment? outside of time? A moment outside of time? Heaven will be destroyed and renewed. I see this happening when the rift between time and eternity ceases to exist.

Assimilated similies

Assimilated similes soliloquies. irreverent irrelevance. irrelevant elephant hella spent until he was hella bent. particular particles tell articulate articles deep in our peripherals if referrals referee for free. dill pickles still tickles tiny ripples hill nipples nip less.
What to say when words mean less. and less these days Amaze. To get caught up in, swept away. If I can convince you it's true that validates me. Valid dates equal history.
His and hers. The back of cars. Steam. Fucking candidly and embarrassed. No room and no room in the car. Ashamed but aroused. get it on. get it over with. Not much prolonged car sex. Needless to say.
New thought carelessly caressing my cerebral cortex. You can relate it all back to anything. everything has to do with sex. Except the originals. All stories lead back to procreation. What about creation by the pro? Gods story is unique. he creates with out sex.
Exclusive monogamous expression with focus and repetition.
re-petition your position.
positions open, apply within. Aroused attention.
Japanese election (say it)
focused selection brings monogamous protection.
saturated penetration.