Attempts at daily journaling

Dexter-the tv show, reminds me that we are all human. Dark, sinful, capable of love. At the end of season two Dexter asks the attentive audience "Am I good? Am I evil? Who knows?" and it reminds me that it is a daily choice to be who I am.
I can spend an entire life living sacrificially and living a love filled life and end it all one day with a really bad decision. I can live a full, self serving, decadent, destructive life and come to repentance in the end and accept forgivness and know peace and joy in my final days...and neither will eternally change my chance of spending eternity with my King. Neither life will give me a different end result...So I live in a tension. A tension to try to be good, I try to be who I "ought" to be and do what I "ought" to do. Sometimes I blow it incredibly and sometimes in just instances I can alter the course of my life as I know it forever for the worse, creating regret and reflection and angst that seems like it will never leave me. And then other times, I am brilliant and perfect and nothing can go wrong and every decision I make seems to work out for everybody and everything and nothing I do can go wrong. The highs and lows of this life can be so far apart that I can not even see them from either vantage point yet somehow I can transport myself between them in a blink of an eye. In a single decision. A single act of obedience.
And this is where I come to, over and over again...how in control of my life am I? really...
I can't even control myself. I can't control my fate. I can only submit to God and hope for the best. I try to be good. I try to be holy. But i know only He is Holy. Only God is good. So I strive. and i fail. sometimes miserably. sometimes triumphantly! Oh, it is such a life to live. Such an amazing, emotional rollercoaster of a life. I do not deserve to experience this amazing life.
Heath Sherratt has an amazing life. A life that if it were contained in a novel you would not believe it. If you saw it on a silver screen you would have to doubt it. I do. and I live it.
How can I pass up the joys of living for anything else? What will tomorrow bring?
I am excited to find out.