I watched another person die tonight.

I don't think it coincidence. i have watched many random and close friends die right in front of me. Sometimes they just have enough trauma that I know they cant survive and sometimes they actually stop breathing...
It is always so...vacant.
I cry, but i dont empathize. I have this sense that all is right in the world and I release and pray.
I don't, or haven't yet, watched anyone die that I mourned. or at least I cant recall them right now. I say that not out of callouse but out of sheer volume of experience. I have seen random folks walk out of motor homes right in front of me when I was 8 at over 60 miles per hour on the freeway...and then watch them get hit by cars over and over again...with a bottle of alcohol in their hands...I have seen random folks crash on bicycles and hit their faces on trucks so hard that they dent the beds with their faces, while I was high on LSD and sat there talking to them, comforting them until the cops showed up.
I have seen people hit barriers at 80 plus mph and try to get out and walk. I have seen friends die from gunshot wounds inflicted over a boom box on a public bike path...and tonight I watched a guy lying on the road after choosing to get out of a moving vehicle, get hit by another car, breath his last breaths through blood and asphalt as his girlfriend looked on and cried about how he would make it through this and about how she was so sorry...It is never fake looking.
It is never lost on me, the loss of life.
I never fail to cry for them at any given moment. But it never impacts me the way I think death will...
I am always so subdued. So quiet about it.
It is truly final. It is real, unquestionable. I know I am there to witness it for a reason. I know I am there to comfort them for a purpose. I know it will happen to me one day, and to my wife...and to my children...and to every one I love. It is very sobering...but it doesnt immediately affect my life choices.
It takes a while to impact me. But it never leaves me. I may forget it...for a long while even... but it never leaves me completely. It changes me. to the core.
as it should.

Love

Who would you become? If you woke up and the last days of civilization were behind you?
Mankind has a hard time being ok with the thought of things ending. We don't prepare for the end or that it may come like a thief in the night. We have a hard time sating things like they may be the last time we say them, even to the people we love the most.
We use phrases like "you should know I love you." or "if I need to say it, then you don't know me at all." or "of course I love you, why do you need to hear it every day?"
I think of how I have become less and less sensitive to my end or anyones end in this life, this time. I want that sensitivity. I need it. It is my experience.
I feel dead without it. heartless.
I am grateful for my clothes, my water...clean, drinkable water. I am grateful for my tea's, my fruits, my yogurts...such excess I have. I can barely stand to write about it.
I am so grateful that I can provide for my family, my community, for those around me that have less. That need more. I want to do more.
I know who I am.
I know who i would be if this civilization ended tonight. I know
I am grateful for that.
God has saved me from all that I have been. All that I could be.
He has made me new.
I love you.
Please hear His voice. Please know His love.
If I could give you all I had, to show that it's not anything. It's yours.
So that you may know Him.
All that is
All that matters
All that is Good.
Good Night.
May we meet again. May we share in life at least one more time.
You are special.
Love, love, love.