Lost touch with myself

I don't remember quite when or for how long. I'm just sure I don't know me right now. Depressed, alone, unlovable. Who is this guy in my body? My brain seems to recognize life but somehow someone else is controlling me. His name is responsibility. He is safe and thoughtful. He is my cross. I am grateful for my children. I love my wife. This is new to me, but mundane at the same time. Mundane is so not new to me. But it is.
I am used to the challenge. I am used to defining myself with knowledge, intellect, experience, triumph and victory.. or miserable failure. Something I can wallow in for a while and really experience the self loathing and spite for self that comes with being the only one that completely blew that one. Who is this? Who am I talking to right now?
I can't remember why I do this. I have some faint memory of why I SHOULD do this, but not why I AM doing this. Seems obligatory. Seems necessary, somehow mandatory. Like I will be punished if I don't. Where does that come from?
Who gets to tell me what to do? Who to be? Oh, yeah...it's you...I remember You. You're perfect, and somehow that's not offensive. You patiently wait for me to remember You. You like me...and I have no idea why.
I'm not sure the benefit of knowing anything. It doesn't help to know the future. To know people; their habits, their nuances and neurosis. We are who we are. We stay the same. We change. But mostly we stay the same. Broken. Lost. Lonely. in denial...

even to ourselves. pathetic really.

What's the point? Who's to blame? how can I fix some blame? how can i find a way to be sneaky and seem intelligent while I do it? It burns...the need to fix blame. It's so bad I can't think! I need to fix it! AHHHHHH fix it! oh!, it's your fault...yeah, you suck and it's all your fault. Ahhhhhh, much better. now.
for a little while anyways...

I am having a moment. It's lasting a while, but it's a moment. Clarity. Normally I live here but lately I have been in a fog. I don't know when that started. I think I said that earlier. Yeah, I did. But it's true, I'm used to clarity. I'm used to knowing and being right. I am not used to this fog. Well, yeah I am. A little. Just not used to accepting the fog as mine. Maybe I used to blame the fog on others...
Maybe now I know better, or at least am listening to someone who does.

How is sharing this helping me? If I'm giving you all this what is left for me? So selfless. What a real christian. What a great guy. So selfless. so giving. wow. what the fla...mmmma, eh. Uhn. pfft. Whateves. Lame.

Working on what to do. I am so used to confronting I need to retreat. I want to learn. I want to grow. I am a stupid man. I know that learning will make me stupider (actually just more aware of what i don't know) but I need it. I crave it. Am i addicted? should I stop? Edification...only You can edify my soul lord. What else do I need but You? So why all this other crap? these people? these feelings I have? Why does it all matter sooooo much!!!

Help me.