I watched another person die tonight.

I don't think it coincidence. i have watched many random and close friends die right in front of me. Sometimes they just have enough trauma that I know they cant survive and sometimes they actually stop breathing...
It is always so...vacant.
I cry, but i dont empathize. I have this sense that all is right in the world and I release and pray.
I don't, or haven't yet, watched anyone die that I mourned. or at least I cant recall them right now. I say that not out of callouse but out of sheer volume of experience. I have seen random folks walk out of motor homes right in front of me when I was 8 at over 60 miles per hour on the freeway...and then watch them get hit by cars over and over again...with a bottle of alcohol in their hands...I have seen random folks crash on bicycles and hit their faces on trucks so hard that they dent the beds with their faces, while I was high on LSD and sat there talking to them, comforting them until the cops showed up.
I have seen people hit barriers at 80 plus mph and try to get out and walk. I have seen friends die from gunshot wounds inflicted over a boom box on a public bike path...and tonight I watched a guy lying on the road after choosing to get out of a moving vehicle, get hit by another car, breath his last breaths through blood and asphalt as his girlfriend looked on and cried about how he would make it through this and about how she was so sorry...It is never fake looking.
It is never lost on me, the loss of life.
I never fail to cry for them at any given moment. But it never impacts me the way I think death will...
I am always so subdued. So quiet about it.
It is truly final. It is real, unquestionable. I know I am there to witness it for a reason. I know I am there to comfort them for a purpose. I know it will happen to me one day, and to my wife...and to my children...and to every one I love. It is very sobering...but it doesnt immediately affect my life choices.
It takes a while to impact me. But it never leaves me. I may forget it...for a long while even... but it never leaves me completely. It changes me. to the core.
as it should.

Love

Who would you become? If you woke up and the last days of civilization were behind you?
Mankind has a hard time being ok with the thought of things ending. We don't prepare for the end or that it may come like a thief in the night. We have a hard time sating things like they may be the last time we say them, even to the people we love the most.
We use phrases like "you should know I love you." or "if I need to say it, then you don't know me at all." or "of course I love you, why do you need to hear it every day?"
I think of how I have become less and less sensitive to my end or anyones end in this life, this time. I want that sensitivity. I need it. It is my experience.
I feel dead without it. heartless.
I am grateful for my clothes, my water...clean, drinkable water. I am grateful for my tea's, my fruits, my yogurts...such excess I have. I can barely stand to write about it.
I am so grateful that I can provide for my family, my community, for those around me that have less. That need more. I want to do more.
I know who I am.
I know who i would be if this civilization ended tonight. I know
I am grateful for that.
God has saved me from all that I have been. All that I could be.
He has made me new.
I love you.
Please hear His voice. Please know His love.
If I could give you all I had, to show that it's not anything. It's yours.
So that you may know Him.
All that is
All that matters
All that is Good.
Good Night.
May we meet again. May we share in life at least one more time.
You are special.
Love, love, love.

Same old Story

particular particles tell articulate articles deep in our peripherals if referrals referee for free. dill pickles still tickles tiny ripples, nipples nip less.
What to say when words mean less. and less, these days. Amaze. To get caught up in, swept away. If I can convince you it's true that validates me. Valid dates equal history. His and hers (story). The back of cars. Steam. Sex candidly and embarrassed. No room and no room in the car. Ashamed but aroused. get over it. Get it over with. Not much prolonged car sex, needless to say. New thoughts carelessly caressing my cerebral cortex. You can relate it all back to anything. Everything has to do with sex. Except the original. All stories deal with procreation but not with creation by the Pro. Gods story is unique of course. he creates without sex. Our "creating" is based upon sensual intercourse. How do we avoid this? Why do we avoid this? Simple perversion. If it was clear to exhibit sexual passion uninhibited, with anyone, anytime we would have no wrong in it. The fact that we do, proves there is another way...repress and focus. Exclusive monogamous expression with focus and repetition. Re-petition your position. Positions open, apply within. Aroused attention. Japanese election. Focused selection brings monogamous protection. Saturated penetration.

Character

I reckon most things in life can't be taught. They're simple, and if you understand them, it doesn't seem to make life any easier. You don't really have to practice what you know to be true, but you do have to do it. Embracing who you are is becoming what you believe. You just have to do it to be it. Can you escape it? Maybe, but you have to choose to. You have to want to. Be willing. Beyond obedience; spiritual maturity is- no conscious thought, only belief in essence acting out it's purpose through you.

is freedom Really being free?

Nostaligic for a life unknown
remembering what could have been.
Knowing that there is always a choice
doesn't mean I really have one.
Character removes a lot of life.
Sometimes I must struggle against myself
to remain vital, alive, changing.
If my character keeps me from tragic decisions and the situations
that come with them, and struggle is where I grow the most...
God must bring me conflict. He must allow for tragedy to occur
so that I can grow. How can i continue to grow otherwise?
i can choose life. Can i choose otherwise? the tension is to try life, to experience; but to not offend God and still engage in mortality.

Virtual Realism

I'm lonely, so I clone me
in everyone I see.
If they differ
I get stiffer
and they cease to be.
My favorite quality is me
I create my own reality
as it suits me
Pretend

Word smithery

apathy is after me

complacence tries my patience

Integrity is integral to me

Breathe in

Breathe out

Breathe truth

Breathe doubt

choices bring

choices about

life and breath

or lies and death

Breathing breeds believing

4/4/10

Shining pupils
condensed family
death celebrates
death seperates
those that live, lived
and those that died
without effort

Attempts at daily journaling

Dexter-the tv show, reminds me that we are all human. Dark, sinful, capable of love. At the end of season two Dexter asks the attentive audience "Am I good? Am I evil? Who knows?" and it reminds me that it is a daily choice to be who I am.
I can spend an entire life living sacrificially and living a love filled life and end it all one day with a really bad decision. I can live a full, self serving, decadent, destructive life and come to repentance in the end and accept forgivness and know peace and joy in my final days...and neither will eternally change my chance of spending eternity with my King. Neither life will give me a different end result...So I live in a tension. A tension to try to be good, I try to be who I "ought" to be and do what I "ought" to do. Sometimes I blow it incredibly and sometimes in just instances I can alter the course of my life as I know it forever for the worse, creating regret and reflection and angst that seems like it will never leave me. And then other times, I am brilliant and perfect and nothing can go wrong and every decision I make seems to work out for everybody and everything and nothing I do can go wrong. The highs and lows of this life can be so far apart that I can not even see them from either vantage point yet somehow I can transport myself between them in a blink of an eye. In a single decision. A single act of obedience.
And this is where I come to, over and over again...how in control of my life am I? really...
I can't even control myself. I can't control my fate. I can only submit to God and hope for the best. I try to be good. I try to be holy. But i know only He is Holy. Only God is good. So I strive. and i fail. sometimes miserably. sometimes triumphantly! Oh, it is such a life to live. Such an amazing, emotional rollercoaster of a life. I do not deserve to experience this amazing life.
Heath Sherratt has an amazing life. A life that if it were contained in a novel you would not believe it. If you saw it on a silver screen you would have to doubt it. I do. and I live it.
How can I pass up the joys of living for anything else? What will tomorrow bring?
I am excited to find out.

Unrelenting venting

I am not the messiah. I cannot save you, or anyone else for that matter. So why do I try? I'm progressing into a more mature, patient man through process and understanding but I carry others burdens so heavily. It's hard to let them go. i feel like they, at times are my worth. That the fact I can help another resolve their issues is what makes me important, needed. Which, when the tables are turned, and i can't help the crazy find peace, I feel like i failed them. Like it was up to me to fix them and now they are screwed for eternity cuz i couldn't fix them. Like that has any foothold in reality.
This has been a cycle in my life for years. Unhealthy, dangerous and extremely painful at times. I have found great comfort in this cycle knowing that I have helped hundreds of folks to realize that they are loved. That they have value beyond their own opinions of themselves. Beyond the opinions and voices of the broken families and friends that they have been surrounded by for years. That they have value and are loved. Not just by me, but by a great God that will love them more than they will ever need or know...Ironic, I know.
Here I am counseling folks about how to maintain healthy relationships, healthy boundaries and healthy perspectives and then, there's me, in that relationship, in that moment, putting myself out there in an unhealthy way, looking for unhealthy affirmation and needing them to be healed so I can go on believing I am.
You know what I am realizing though? That we are broken. That we always will be. We don't need to be fixed to help others, we need to be willing. We don't need to have the utmost skills to bring others to self realization, we need faith in the God that can and we need to keep putting it out there.
Thank God for people that refuse to stop learning and progressing. Thank God that even though we fail and fail and fail we can always offer someone else hope. Thank God that even in my weakest, darkest place, if i submit to Him and offer up my daily manna of wisdom and grace, I can be transparent enough to show others that He is sufficient. That He is enough. That I don't need to be perfect and neither do they. We can all be loved and lovable and accepted and wanted. At anytime. In any space.
Because He is good.

Mustache March

Official rules for Mustache March.
1. Contestants must shave on February 28th to bare skin.
2. Mustache judging on March 31st. Votes are anonymous and placed into a hat/box. You can vote for yourself.
3. No shaving is allowed but grooming is accepted
4.Wax, gel or pomade are ok.
5.All Mustaches must be on your face.
6. No fake hair or extensions
7. No bleaching or coloring, must be natural hair color.

elf.

Do you self your own known? do you know or yourself own self? do yourself a known. do you know yourself, your own self, your known self? Do you own your known self? Do you know your own self? do you, yourself, know your own? elf.

Really, it's that simple.

I reckon most things in life can't be taught.
They're simple, and if you can understand them, it doesn't seem to make life any easier. You don't really have to practice what you know to be true, but you do have to do it. Embracing who you are is becoming what you believe. You just have to do it to be it. Can you escape that? Maybe, but you have to choose to. you have to want to. Willing.
No conscious thought, only belief in essence, acting out it's purpose through you.

Daybreakers

Nocturnal elusive, commitment recluse
sustained stain-be clean
Eternal Sunshine, remitted passion
paid admission, daily retaliation
hating and praying, hating the pain
debts owed who's paying?
Rules changing or staying
play by the book or you're just
playing.
Seeing takes looking
looking takes eyes
eyes need light to see
and we're born at night. let
your eyes adjust
respond

more than words

she opens herself to receive him. taut and aware he enters. cooperation excites them as their relationship grows. friendship blossoms into more. fingers linger and press, friction becomes arousal and reduces friction. lives begin to mingle. like a boat on the sea she moves, undulating, to and fro, up and down. tongues move in and out. lips press hard against each other as breath rises and falls. faster, smoother, there is only one now. moving in rhythm. perfect and holy. trusting, giving, sharing as moans and voices share in the language best known to lovers. Their souls are entwined as their bodies. Hot,forgetful and wanting. Wanting to stay, reach, climb, embrace, be loved, touched, understood, known. nothing left to touch, bodies are reaching their goals together. pulsing, growing, blurring, sweating, no thought only movement. only talking, but no words aloud. building, faster, faster, faster. crescendo. love. tender, thoughtful, patient. Considerate and unabashed. In glory and unashamed. Glowing and satisfied they become individuals again. regaining composure. accepting their gifts and blessings they adore each other and privately think of their next time. The relationship is real. connected. forever. engaging.

Him

Too precious to share
the only thing worth giving
Paid to give it up
foolish loser.
I am amazed but unchanged
Your presence is not real.
So then, who are You?
What good? How?
Melodies in silence
louder than sound
lost in the quiet
when will we be together?
Pirate of eternity
you stole death
it was not yours
and You took it.
Convict.

Self

Burning. molding. silence
refrained patience attaining anger
sinful blaspheme. hater. liar
Father. singular. other than.
separate inert encompassing fire.
killer of doubt, transparent.
private. me.

Heaven is not eternal

Man was created within time. Angels were created outside of time. heaven, like angels was created outside of time, yet there is a point in time in which they began to exist. Is that a moment? outside of time? A moment outside of time? Heaven will be destroyed and renewed. I see this happening when the rift between time and eternity ceases to exist.

Assimilated similies

Assimilated similes soliloquies. irreverent irrelevance. irrelevant elephant hella spent until he was hella bent. particular particles tell articulate articles deep in our peripherals if referrals referee for free. dill pickles still tickles tiny ripples hill nipples nip less.
What to say when words mean less. and less these days Amaze. To get caught up in, swept away. If I can convince you it's true that validates me. Valid dates equal history.
His and hers. The back of cars. Steam. Fucking candidly and embarrassed. No room and no room in the car. Ashamed but aroused. get it on. get it over with. Not much prolonged car sex. Needless to say.
New thought carelessly caressing my cerebral cortex. You can relate it all back to anything. everything has to do with sex. Except the originals. All stories lead back to procreation. What about creation by the pro? Gods story is unique. he creates with out sex.
Exclusive monogamous expression with focus and repetition.
re-petition your position.
positions open, apply within. Aroused attention.
Japanese election (say it)
focused selection brings monogamous protection.
saturated penetration.

Am I the Song?

I am dying. Getting old. Old.
The sounds of my life are changing.
Am I the song? a note? the musician?
the paper? the pen?
God got me to settle. by giving me what I wanted.
what He wants.
I just continue to want.
really?
maybe I can't settle.Maybe I need what I have.
Sure. Obvious.
So, why am I happy? depressed?
alone again?
I am in such great pain, to my core.
What have I done? Remembered what?
Pining for what? Youth? Pleasure? feelings?
Sin is rough
We will never belong here.
This is not home.
We will never be real here
or single minded.
Only what God does is good.
WE ARE HERE TO MAKE A BETTER EXPERIENCE.
I know I can love you much better
than this.
He lives among us. He speaks to us
through us
we have but to listen
and hear
we don't need to know more
we need to listen.
To be available.
Don't judge.
Don't criticize.
Why am i always frustrated?
with others?
myself?

Lost touch with myself

I don't remember quite when or for how long. I'm just sure I don't know me right now. Depressed, alone, unlovable. Who is this guy in my body? My brain seems to recognize life but somehow someone else is controlling me. His name is responsibility. He is safe and thoughtful. He is my cross. I am grateful for my children. I love my wife. This is new to me, but mundane at the same time. Mundane is so not new to me. But it is.
I am used to the challenge. I am used to defining myself with knowledge, intellect, experience, triumph and victory.. or miserable failure. Something I can wallow in for a while and really experience the self loathing and spite for self that comes with being the only one that completely blew that one. Who is this? Who am I talking to right now?
I can't remember why I do this. I have some faint memory of why I SHOULD do this, but not why I AM doing this. Seems obligatory. Seems necessary, somehow mandatory. Like I will be punished if I don't. Where does that come from?
Who gets to tell me what to do? Who to be? Oh, yeah...it's you...I remember You. You're perfect, and somehow that's not offensive. You patiently wait for me to remember You. You like me...and I have no idea why.
I'm not sure the benefit of knowing anything. It doesn't help to know the future. To know people; their habits, their nuances and neurosis. We are who we are. We stay the same. We change. But mostly we stay the same. Broken. Lost. Lonely. in denial...

even to ourselves. pathetic really.

What's the point? Who's to blame? how can I fix some blame? how can i find a way to be sneaky and seem intelligent while I do it? It burns...the need to fix blame. It's so bad I can't think! I need to fix it! AHHHHHH fix it! oh!, it's your fault...yeah, you suck and it's all your fault. Ahhhhhh, much better. now.
for a little while anyways...

I am having a moment. It's lasting a while, but it's a moment. Clarity. Normally I live here but lately I have been in a fog. I don't know when that started. I think I said that earlier. Yeah, I did. But it's true, I'm used to clarity. I'm used to knowing and being right. I am not used to this fog. Well, yeah I am. A little. Just not used to accepting the fog as mine. Maybe I used to blame the fog on others...
Maybe now I know better, or at least am listening to someone who does.

How is sharing this helping me? If I'm giving you all this what is left for me? So selfless. What a real christian. What a great guy. So selfless. so giving. wow. what the fla...mmmma, eh. Uhn. pfft. Whateves. Lame.

Working on what to do. I am so used to confronting I need to retreat. I want to learn. I want to grow. I am a stupid man. I know that learning will make me stupider (actually just more aware of what i don't know) but I need it. I crave it. Am i addicted? should I stop? Edification...only You can edify my soul lord. What else do I need but You? So why all this other crap? these people? these feelings I have? Why does it all matter sooooo much!!!

Help me.

War

> Racing...it's there to lay all opinion aside. It's there to gauge your performance versus the rest of the world. No guessing. No argument. Just results. Just the elapsed time between the last beep and the finish line. Do you have what it takes? To be the best? Can you beat the competition? That raises an interesting question that has taken me to different places than I expected...Competition.......what is that?
>
> I hear the term "He's so competitive." and for some reason it gives me the heebies. I always think that competitive people are type-A driven folks that want to be better than everyone else and have that attitude of "I'm better than you, and if you beat me it's because I beat myself." Anybody else out there feel this way? Do you know the guy, your buddy, that always has to stay a half wheel in front of you even on the most "casual" of rides? Well, I have lots of those buddies and I have been asking myself, what makes one that way? Is it how they are wired? Is it a learned practice? Do they feel they have to prove something to the world? Well I have decided to do my own personal study on the matter and my first step in doing so brought about some pretty interesting findings...
>
> The first step in finding out why folks are "half-wheelers" was to look up the meaning of the word competitive. Now, I have my own version of the word as do many of us and the way it is used in most conversations is not accurate in the true definition of the word. I hear competition and I think of high school football coaches, I think of UFC fighting or the olympics, the birthplace of sport. Soo get me if I'm wrong but, professional athletes have taken the level of competition to another place, a darker place. Nowadays when someone makes a play in sports they have to rub it in or talk trash to degrade or demean the efforts of their opponents. They jeer and slam their chests or yell to please the crowd. They take drugs to give them an edge in competition. Anything goes as long as you get the "W" and the glory that goes with it. (and don't get caught) The attitude has become one of domination and intimidation, not one of "Hey, lets get together and raise the ability of all around us to the highest level."
>
> Am I right?
>
> The true definition of the word is summed up like this-when two or more folks get together, the level of ability is raised exponentially. Or in other words, if you ran as hard as you could around the block by yourself your fastest time would still be slower than your average time around the block with someone else running with you at a similar level of ability. This is true competition, raising the ability of all involved in a like achievement. Now I don't know about you but if that's the real definition of the word, then I would be honored to have someone call me competitive. But that's where I have become confused, if that's competition, then what is it that most of us call competition? What is the word for the behavior we find so often displayed in professional sports? What word defines the tactics, the attitudes and the behavior found at the highest level in sports right now?
>
> That's what I found to be a big surprise, the term as we know it, is not competition, but WAR.
>
> That's right, WAR.
>
> The difference between the two looks like this-running around the block with a kid your ability= competition. Running around the block with the school bully that tells you, "I'm gonna kill you if you win or if you lose so you better get ready to die." = War. So, I have found myself in a quandry. Is it the nature of men primarily to declare war and act as though their lives are on the line even in the midst of a friendly group ride? Is it believable that all of us have found ourselves in the clutches of war albeit in a less blood thirsty level than our governments? And does that mean if we were in the position, would we not be waging war on our "friends" in more terrible ways? Are we really all that different than the people we choose to call our enemies? The fiends of history, the destroyers of families and nations? Would we find ourselves in their positions if we had their power? Am I going too far with this?
>
> I digress, these are just the wandering ideas of a man caught in a thought. Propelled by curiosity and inquiring the depths of my soul as it relates to being a man. Searching for the objective truth that ties us all together.
>
> Does this mean that your buddy that's always half wheeling you wants to kill you and steal your plunder? Do they subconciously picture you on the ground broken and bloody by the effort to keep up with your ever so powerful manliness. They just can't hang with your manliness. They are weak and you must show them how a real man does things. We must not accept their weakness or teach them with compassion. We must crush them and search for more worthy competitors...or more appropriate...more victims to wage war upon.
>
> Is that why we are so ready to rage when someone cuts us off? Ready to burst at the seams when things don't go our way? When your boy posts a faster time than you? Is that feeling of intimidation or domination deep within you? Or is it right under the surface, bubbling over whenever you get the opportunity to ride your bike? Right there ready to take out the first person that crosses your path? Not real? Not true? How many times have you stopped for a fallen competitor during your race run? How many times?
>
> Do we need to re-look at why we race? Why we ride? Why we need to be better than the next guy? Are you going out there to achieve your best? or to be better than the next guy? I know why I roll...do you?
>
> H